Tuesday, 13 May 2014

He Gives Me Butterflies

I didn't realise how much you can love a child.
How they can take over your heart, your head, everything inside you.

Finding out I was pregnant with Charles was the best feeling ever. I was also very nervous as we'd just been through a chemical pregnancy and as a result, certain family members didn't seem as happy for us as we'd hoped. Still, we remained positive and had our fingers well and truly crossed.
I was having an awful time at work and being pregnant gave me the hope that everything would be ok in the end.
It was my way out.

He was the light at the end of what was becoming a very dark tunnel for me. When I'm having tough days with him and Harry due to poorliness or sleep deprivation or just a challenging behaviour day then I remember how I felt but then, when I went to work, and I realise that this might be tough, but it's no tougher than it was back then.

My best time with him is late at night, if he wakes up around 10.30 onwards. He is hilarious when he is half asleep/half awake and the conversations just have me fascinated. We'll giggle and laugh and talk about serious things too.
Most of the time sitting cuddling. This boy gives the most amazing bedtime cuddles.
Sometimes it feels like he's older than me. The way he comforts me in such a grown up way.

I feel a special connection with him. He seems to understand me so much, understand difficulties I have without me needing to tell him.
Recently I had a big panic attack in front of him. We were on the boat so there was no where for me to go so he couldn't see me. Rather than getting scared, and wondering if I was ok, he just stood and rubbed my leg, telling me "It's ok mummy, just calm down mummy".
He gave me the biggest cuddle at the end. At no point did he ask what was going on, or get scared, or worried. He remained calm and knew exactly what I needed to do, and what I needed him to do.
And although I never wanted him to see me have an attack like that one, I was so amazed at how he handled it, and he really helped to get me through it.

It amazes me how at almost five years old he still gives me butterflies. I still sit and stare at him sometimes just wondering how he is mine and how lucky I am.