Copyright Lauren Woodward 2011-2015. Powered by Blogger.

A Year

Exactly a year ago I sat down and wrote a letter to my husband. The letter suggested we should separate. I thought I was ok with it, and that it would affect me now. But as I write this my eyes are tingling. It's not that I miss him. We are better off as we are now. But I guess it's the fact that this thing happened that I never expected. It was the right thing to do for the person I had become, but not anything I ever expected I would be doing.

I remember shaking as I wrote the letter, knowing that although it felt like a cowards way of doing it there was no other way, I would never have been able to get the words out. 

I stood as he read it. I remember not knowing what to do, how to act, what expression to pull. 
I didn't cry. I didn't know whether or not to say sorry. I didn't know how he would react.

He was taking the boys camping for the weekend with his sister, which gave us both time to be away from each other to let the news sink in. 

After they left I sat on the sofa. Wondering how I should be feeling. I didn't know what I should be feeling. It was weird, for the first time in a long time we hadn't done our routine "Bye, love you" goodbye. 
Those words. Love you. Ones we'd said so often but for a while meant very little, were all of a sudden not part of our vocabulary. We no longer had to say them. It felt weird. It felt strange to all of a sudden not say those words. 

I sat and I guess I was in shock. Nothing felt different. Probably down to the fact we had been living separate lives for a while only now it was official. I told my mum, and my two closest friends, who offered nothing but support.

My brother was in the Isle of Man and I didn't want him to know until he got back. Out of the blue he phoned me, and it was hard to not say anything but brought a much needed distraction.  
Little did I realise he would make my day, in fact pretty much make my year by passing the phone over to William Dunlop...one of my favourite TT racers, for me to speak to him. 
As I said goodbye to William and got passed back to my brother I broke down...mainly due to the fact I had just spoken to William. 
We hung up the phone and I sobbed. Shaking.
The shock of what had happened in the morning started to sink in and rather than tears of sadness I was crying tears of fear. 

What had I done? 
I didn't have a job. I had two children. 
Where would I live? 
Would he come back and try and fight for me? What if he didn't come back? 
What if he told me to leave? What if he left? 
How do I tell the children? What if they hated me? What if it broke their world? 

It worked out ok. I feel incredibly lucky that our boys accepted it. At no point have they said a bad word about it or shown any kind of struggle. 
It has been hard on them, of course it has. But they have been so strong and brave that I can't help but to feel immensly proud of them. 

There have obviously been tough times. Little fights between me and my ex, but over all it has been relatively ammicable and friendly.
It has shown that I made the right decision. 
We are both completely different people and in no way would we work as a couple let alone as parents together. Obviously we are parents, I know that sounds like a stupid thing to write. But as a "parenting team"...I don't know which words I need to use, we don't and wouldn't work the same.
But we both know that, we both accept that. 

A year on, I've learnt a lot about myself. I've learnt a lot about being an adult. About men. About love, dating and expectations. 

Right now, I'm stuck in this place where I don't know what I want. Actually, I guess that's a lie.
I want a boyfriend...or to meet someone who has that potential. 
I don't want anything super serious. 
But I want someone who likes me, who wants to spend time with me. Someone who looks at me and can't help but to smile.
Someone who wants to be seen with me, who doesn't mind holding my hand.
Someone to go for a walk with. Someone to go for a drink with or to just sit at home and watch a film with. 
There are days when all I want is a cuddle. Just to cuddle on the sofa, there doesn't have to be any meaning behind it. But just a cuddle where I can snuggle in and feel comfort, where he gives me a little squeeze to emphasize that. 
I guess...I just get a bit lonely and I want some male company. And after waiting a year for that, I think it's time I deserved some.


Party Dress Buying Guide

The party season is nearly upon us. I love a party as much as the next person, but I have to admit to feeling a bit nervous about socialising. For me, this year, getting my look right is going to be even more important than usual. Without a doubt, choosing the right outfit can do wonders for your confidence.
I love dresses. They are an outfit in their own right. If you find a nice dress all you have to do is to grab a matching pair of shoes to complete your look, and you are good to go. A dress is perfect for a last minute dinner date, party or barbecue.
This year, there are some great dresses available. The fashion industry appears to have finally come away from the one-size fits all approach. If you go shopping this week, you will find plenty of choice.
It really does not matter what shape or size you are, you can easily find the perfect dress. To help you to do that, here is a roundup of some of the best options I have found, so far.
Glamorous long dresses
If you are looking for a glamorous dress to wear to a party, or more formal event, long dresses are a great option. Maxi dresses are ideal for parties. Especially in the colder months, when you need a bit of protection from the weather.
They come in a wide range of styles, so it easy to find the perfect one for you. Some of the nicest ones I have seen are made from lace. These are glamorous, as well as stylish. Pairing them with a clutch and a nice pair of high heels is an easy way to create a classy look, for a special occasion.
Practical day dresses
If like me, you are on a budget it is important to get plenty of use out of your clothes. Day dresses are great for this.
Again, there is a wide choice of styles available. Whether you want a tunic dress, a mini-skirt style or a bodycon you can find it.
These dresses can easily be dressed up for a party or worn as they are for day-to-day use. They are also great for work. By adding a smart jacket, most of these dresses can be made to look smart enough to wear to an important meeting. For the weekend, adding some jewellery, a wrap and maybe a belt quickly turns them into a party dress.
Holiday dresses
If like me, you are hoping to get away for a week during the winter to enjoy some sun, a lightweight jersey or t-shirt dress is an essential. They pick up small, so do not take up too much space in your luggage. This type of fabric does not crease easily, so they just need to be hung out for a few hours before you can wear them. You can wear this type of dress anywhere, for going out in the evening, sightseeing, or even on the beach.
Therefore, if you are looking for a quick way to update your wardrobe, my suggestion is that you treat yourself to a couple of dresses.

Flaws

I recently helped out with interviews at my workplace. My manager asked me to come up with some questions and I wanted to avoid the typical "easy, predictable answer" style questions.
I didn't want to do the strengths and weaknesses questions because they are predictable, and get the standard answers. However, I wanted to go along the lines of weaknesses. I wanted someone to sit there and be open about their down side. Interviews are all about impressing your potential employer but for me, I wanted to know what we might not like about them, or what we might find difficult to work with, or challenging.
So the question I asked was "what are your flaws?".

I thought it was better than "what are your weaknesses?" because to me the word 'flaws' was a little more personal and not just profession/career related.
Weaknesses could also result in answers such as "chocolate" or "men in uniform"...not quite what I wanted.

I've always found it a positive thing to be in touch with your flaws, to recognise them. There is that saying that I really like...


When writing my down I realised when writing these that I wrote "too much" at the end of each flaw...maybe that's a flaw in itself. So I took those off.

I tend to over-think. I over think situations, the way people treat me, look at me, what certain things mean even if it's something completely insignificant.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to show my emotions and to talk about how I feel. Maybe I show this and share this too much and need to hold back and be a bit more cautious over who I share things with.

I try to impress others often forgetting that people should like me and love me for who I am, not for the person I am trying to be.



I give too much of myself. I'm really open and honest and although I see this as a good thing I think sometimes it can be interpreted in a different way.

Lack of self confidence and self worth. I don't value myself very much. I have been told a few times that I am too hard on myself. Maybe I am, but I don't really see it.

Easily distracted.......



Can be disorganised. This year is major proof of that. Not sure what I would have done without my mum in most cases.

Need to have a label on every relationship. "Are we friends or just work colleagues?" "Are we seeing each other, dating, or nothing?" I need to have a label on everything.

I worry about what others think of me. I have always felt like everyone around me is judging me or criticising me as a person, as a mother, what I look like and so on. It's something I've never been able to shake off and something that can hold me back from things.


I don't look after myself enough. I forget to take medication when I need to, I don't drink enough water, I don't eat well. Also....see the following two flaws for more examples.

I comfort eat. I generally tend to not realise I am doing it until it is too late.

I bite my nails....disgusting habit and every now and then I am able to stop but right now...I'm back as a biter and I hate it.



I daydream a lot...and get too caught up in it.

I take things to heart. I do have a habit of taking things to heart too much. Sometimes I can take a joke as something personal and see it as a criticism when it isn't meant that way. This is just a result/effect of me not having that self confidence and thinking everyone is judging me.

I let paranoia take over. Rolling over from over thinking. I do get paranoid...wondering why someone didn't reply to something, or why someone hasn't said hi to me at work or on the school run. I let things play over in my mind until I get a headache or until I beat myself up so much that I end up exhausted.


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